Establish the need: How is your communication with your spouse? Specifically do you enjoy communicating with your spouse?
Purpose: Today we shall look at four points to help us communicate better by enjoying communicating with your spouse.
- You must enjoy communicating with your spouse
- Symptoms of not enjoying discussion with your spouse
- What to talk to your spouse about
- Assessing what you are talking to your spouse about
Introductory words
Last time we looked at listening. Listening is the foundation for good communication.
Now we want build on that with the matter of the heart: Enjoy communicating with your spouse.
Point 1: You must enjoy communicating with your spouse
- Proof 1: “do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others.” (Philippians 2:4)
- There is a prohibition: “do not merely look out for your own personal interest” (4a)
- There is also a command: “but also for the interests of others” (4b)
- Thus from this verse we draw the implication that if we put the interest of others first how much more so we should put our spouse first.
- Also if we put our spouse first that means we talk about what they like to talk about.
- Proof 2: “O my dove, in the clefts of the rock, In the secret place of the steep pathway, Let me see your form, Let me hear your voice; For your voice is sweet, And your form is lovely.” (Song of Solomon 2:14,)
- This is from the book that is about the love of a husband and wife.
- In the context it is the woman speaking.
- Here the woman has a request of what she wants: “Let me hear your voice”
- She described his voice in this way: “For your voice is sweet”
- She delights in hearing him speak!
- Proof 3: Read Song of Solomon 7.
- The context is two lovers talking to each other.
- The man speaks in 1-9.
- The woman speaks in 10-13.
- The beauty of the words here reveal they are delighted with each other and enjoy talking to each other!
- Practice
- Do you see the importance of enjoying discussion with your spouse?
- Do you enjoy talking to your spouse?
- Do you talk to your spouse about what interests them?
- It comes down to the issue of loving your spouse; but why should we love our spouse? It is because of God is why you ultimately must love your spouse even as they are imperfect or sinful. Let the Gospel be the motivation for you to enjoy talking to your spouse!
Point 2: Symptoms of not enjoying discussion with your spouse
- You don’t talk to your spouse.
- You give only one word or short answers that don’t lead to conversations.
- You don’t listen (recall session 1 for further help and discussion).
- You have a serious problem of not remembering what you talked about with your spouse.
- You display the deeds of darkness when you talk with your spouse: “Now the deeds of the flesh are evident, which are: immorality, impurity, sensuality, 20 idolatry, sorcery, enmities, strife, jealousy, outbursts of anger, disputes, dissensions, factions, 21 envying, drunkenness, carousing, and things like these, of which I forewarn you, just as I have forewarned you, that those who practice such things will not inherit the kingdom of God.” (Galatians 5:19-21)
- Instead of the fruit of the Spirit being on display the opposite is the case.
- These are sins and symptoms of not enjoying discussion with your spouse.
Point 3: What to talk to your spouse about
Note: Sometimes men have asked: What do I talk to my wife about? Here’s ten subjects to discuss regularly. [1]
- Bible doctrines
- This is helpful for everything else in life!
- Also this is the most important thing for all of eternity!
- “Pay close attention to yourself and to your teaching; persevere in these things, for as you do this you will ensure salvation both for yourself and for those who hear you.” (1 Timothy 4:16)
- Paul is giving this exhortation to Timothy, a young pastor and leader of the church.
- Note command: “Pay close attention“
- What we must “pay close attention” are the following:
- “to yourself“
- “and to your teaching“–>Note here doctrines are mentioned.
- Your Home
- While we don’t want to focus only our physical homes yet it is important because of what takes place at home: raising kids, cooking, raising kids, hospitality to others, etc.
- Your Children
- “Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.” (Ephesians 6:4)
- Father’s responsibility to parent is raise kids is mentioned here.
- This include the mom’s parenting responsibility.
- Your children should be regularly discussed by you and your spouse if you are both raising them for the Lord.
- Discussions should include the following about a child:[2]
- Strength
- Weaknesses
- Needs
- Desires
- Responsibilities
- Instruction option
- Disciplinary options
- “Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.” (Ephesians 6:4)
- Both your jobs
- Spouse’s family (your in-laws)
- Spouse’s friends
- Spouse’s ministries (inside and outside home)
- Spouse’s goals for the future
- Ways spouse can be a better spouse or parent
- Things which bother your spouse
Point 4: Assessing what you are talking to your spouse about
- Ask yourself these questions:
- What do you enjoy talking about?
- What does your spouse enjoy talking about?
- What do you wish you can talk to your spouse more about?
- What does your spouse wish to talk to you more about?
- Have your spouse answer the same questions
- Answer and discuss with your spouse the following:
- Compare and contrast each other’s answer.
- Are there things that overlap?
- Did you identify correctly what your spouse enjoy talking about? How about vice versa?
- Did you identify correctly what your spouse wish to be able to talk about more? How about vice versa?
- What can you and your spouse improve on?
- Pray together!
[1] What is listed is re-worded from Lou Priolo, The Complete Husband (Phillipsburg, NJ: Presbyterian and Reformed, 1985), 57.
[2] What is listed is re-worded from Lou Priolo, The Complete Husband (Phillipsburg, NJ: Presbyterian and Reformed, 1985), 51.
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Nice, thanks for the outline SlimJim 😁. This is very helpful.
Thanks for this helpful outline on enjoying communication with our spouse! My wife and I have completely different communication styles. She talks a lot about everything/verbalizes her thoughts, while I process my thoughts before verbalizing them if I verbalize them at all. The differences result in frustration and tension. Yup, I can definitely work on my end. And I find that when I extend myself and make the effort, things go much better for both of us. Kind of like, you reap what you sow.
Tom your comment is so true: “And I find that when I extend myself and make the effort, things go much better for both of us.” I know people have different personalities and ways of communicating but it pays great dividend in marriage to work on communication. I do think it is a sanctifying process but when we make progress we reap some of the secondary benefits in one’s marriage in addition to pleasing and glorifying God. This is what grieves me about false gospels even with that of Roman Catholicism. If we are born again through justification by God’s grace alone through faith alone in Christ, that means we truly have the Spirit to sanctify us. And the Gospel of grace is an incredible motivation for loving obedience to God in marriage including working through communicating with our spouse. The last thing you want to do in marriage counseling is to give some in despair in marriage problem is to ONLY give a bunch of “to-do” list. They need to make sure first they are saved and then secondly let that truth encourage them to do the right thing and yet have hope that God is working in them to sanctify them. The Gospel matters amen?
Amen! Yes, the foundation is Jesus Christ and the Gospel and to obey and please Him. When our motivation is to please the Lord in how we relate to our spouse then we can move past our selfishness and pride. Rather than “meeting our spouse halfway” which is the secular ideal, we are motivated to serve our spouse sacrificially with Jesus as our model. Yup, we can’t do this in our flesh but the Holy Spirit will empower us if we relinquish our will and seek His will.
Poor xommunication in a marriage probably causes as many problems as sex and money. People should find this a good resource.
Indeed poor communication is a big factor of marriage problems in addition to others that you have noted. Thank you for reading and your comment and I pray that people do find this a helpful resource. I taught last night for our church’s monthly couple’s meeting and I emailed everyone this post to walk them through it and it seems the response was quite positive in terms of being edified for the teaching. I forgot if I told you about the Bible study last night or if asked you to pray for the study and if you did pray for it thank you God certainly was gracious last night!
Wow. Now this is very powerful. Thanks for speaking the truth about the importance of communication with our spouses and the practical topics to consider.
Also, thanks for the great logic of your outline. Love this approach.
Reblogged this on moreinkpleaseblog.
I am thinking that the Lord is using you to save some marriages with this post. 😊
What a moving thought that the Lord would be using this post. Thank you for that comment sister that moved me to pray for the Lord to minister to those who need it. Have a blessed Lord’s Day tommorow sister!
I’m going to use this if you don’t mind
[…] Our second session was on “Enjoy Communicating With Your Spouse” […]
I love this post. I’m going to go back to read part 1 and I’m looking ahead to reading more from you later on if there’s going to be a part 3
We have lost the art to communicate effectively even as Christians. Keep them coming and go all out writing these 💯