Biblical Counseling: Compatibility: Is it important and how important is it?

Compatibility: Is it important and how important is it?

 

Purpose: In this session we will consider the issue of compatibility by understanding the following three points:

1. Point 1: We need to be aware that sometimes people can over-exaggerate the claim of a couple’s differences as the primary source of their problems.
2. Point 2: We need to pursue compatibility of biblical belief and practices instead of superficial similarities.
3. Point 3: We need to pursue biblical solutions for differences in relationship and marriage

People sometimes claim their biggest problem in their relationship of courtship and marriage is primarily the differences between them and their partner/spouse.

1. This is a popular view in the world today.
   1. Think of people discussion about compatibility in finding a spouse.
   2. Think of how many secular and even so called Christian counseling that deals with marriage problems that heavily focus on compatibility.
2. Examples
   1. Example 1: In courtship/dating a couple might have a lot of problem of domestic abuse but they see the root of their main problem is that they are of different ethnic, cultural and social-economic class and background.
   2. Example 2: In marriage one or more spouse might be thinking of divorce because one spouse express their frustration by nagging and complaining while the other spouse express his or her frustration by giving the silent treatment.
3. But we must think deeper here: In these examples and other examples is it always the primary problem merely an issue of the couple being different?

 

Point 1: We need to be aware that sometimes people can over-exaggerate the claim of a couple’s differences as the primary source of their problems.

1. Reason #1: There are couples who have lots in common and they still be fighting.
2. Reason #2: Today’s Western culture emphasis on compatibility and similarities for relationships haven’t had a good record.
   1. It is ironic that today’s Western culture with its emphasis on compatibility and similarities between couples can have more broken marriages and break-up relationships than Western culture in the past.
   2. It is also ironic that today’s Western culture with its emphasis on compatibility and similarities between couples can have more broken marriages and break-up relationships than other contemporary culture that doesn’t emphasize as much about compatibility and similarities.
3. Reason #3: In the Bible there are people whose marriage lasted even when they didn’t know much of the differences and similarities of the person they were marrying: “And they said, “We will call the girl and consult her wishes.” 58 Then they called Rebekah and said to her, “Will you go with this man?” And she said, “I will go.” 59 Thus they sent away their sister Rebekah and her nurse with Abraham’s servant and his men.” (Genesis 24:57-59)
   1. This passage describe the arrange marriage of Rebekah to Isaac.
   2. Note here she have not yet met her future husband but she said she will go with the servant of Abraham (Isaac’s father) to be married to Issac.
   3. Rebekah was committed to be married even without fully knowing much about Isaac including knowing how different they might be.
   4. Yet Isaac and Rebekah had a lasting marriage.
4. Reason #4: The reason couples fight is because they are more similar than then they are different: They are both sinners! “for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God,” (Romans 3:23)
5. Reason #5: The real reason why people who are not that different can still have conflicts in marriage is because of their selfishness and pride: “What is the source of quarrels and conflicts among you? Is not the source your pleasures that wage war in your members? 2 You lust and do not have; so you commit murder. You are envious and cannot obtain; so you fight and quarrel. You do not have because you do not ask. 3 You ask and do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, so that you may spend it on your pleasures” (James 4:1-3)
6. Practical application
   1. Do you believe that sometimes people can exaggerate the claim that the primary source of relationship problems is due to the couple’s differences?
   2. One of the problem with an over-emphasis of identifying the root of relationship problems to personal differences is that it can ignore and downplay the role of sin in relationship conflict. So even as you look at your relationship problems are you facing the truth of your own sins contributing to the relationship problem?
   3. Some people might feel identifying one’s partner’s relationship problem as sin is judgmental and add more relationship problem rather than solve anything. But do you realize that to misdiagnose the problem will mean improper remedy?
      1. Also the right diagnosis means the possibility of the problem being dealt with.
      2. Consider the example of an abusive spouse attributing his domestic violence due to the fact that the couple have many interpersonal differences. This spouse will never change until he sees what he does as sin and his need to repent to God for his wickedness.

 

Point 2: We need to pursue compatibility of biblical belief and practices instead of superficial similarities.

1. Do not misinterpret point 1 to mean that compatibility and similarities doesn’t matter. Rather what we need is not superficial similarities and superficial similarities but genuine compatibility.
2. God does want believers to be like-minded
   1. “Now may the God who gives perseverance and encouragement grant you to be of the same mind with one another according to Christ Jesus,” (Romans 15:5)
      1. “Finally, brethren, rejoice, be made complete, be comforted, be like-minded, live in peace; and the God of love and peace will be with you.” (2 Corinthians 13:11)
      2. “make my joy complete by being of the same mind, maintaining the same love, united in spirit, intent on one purpose.” (Philippians 2:2)
      3. “For I have no one else of kindred spirit who will genuinely be concerned for your welfare.” (Philippians 2:20)
3. Yet people can try to pursue similarities over superficial things that doesn’t help with the marriage
   1. Example: Enjoying the same kinds of movies can only you get you so far.
   2. Example: Liking the same kind of music and same kind of sports while having different view of family finance and raising kids isn’t going to help the marriage.
4. What we need to be like minded is with right doctrines from God: “If anyone advocates a different doctrine and does not agree with sound words, those of our Lord Jesus Christ, and with the doctrine conforming to godliness,” (1 Timothy 6:3)
   1. Note how there’s importance not to have “a different doctrine”
   2. Specifically these are doctrinal differences that “does not agree with sound words”
   3. Also note that right doctrines will have practical impact: “with the doctrine conforming to godliness”
   4. Godliness will make a practical impact of one’s marriage.
5. Practical application
   1. Areas of doctrinal similarities include a biblical view of the following areas:
      1. God
      2. Man
      3. Sin
      4. Christ
      5. Salvation
      6. Sanctification
      7. Heaven and Hell
      8. Ethics
      9. Manhood and Womanhood
      10. Marriage
      11. Children
      12. Communication
      13. Conflict resolution
   2. Do you know the biblical view of those areas?
   3. Do you desire to hold the same view with God as He has revealed it from Scripture? More than compatibility with your partner are you “compatible” with God?
   4. Realize going against God’s Way in God’s World will be going against the grain and there will be consequences.

Point 3: We need to pursue biblical solutions for differences in relationship and marriage

1. Application #1: Accept the truth that the other person is different than you.
2. Application #2: You need to believe that having little in common doesn’t mean failure in marriage or relationship. Rather you need to work harder to:
   1. Know the other person well
   2. Appreciate the other person
   3. See the person’s perspective (while also remembering the biblical perspective if God’s Word addresses the specific topic at hand).
3. Application #3: Be in the Word of God both individually and together!
   1. Being in the Word transforms our mind! “And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, so that you may prove what the will of God is, that which is good and acceptable and perfect.” (Romans 12:2)
   2. A couple being transformed in one’s mind will make the two of them more like-minded!
   3. Also a couple being transformed by the Word of God will be more Christ-like and Christ-likenesses will be something beautiful in one’s marriage!
4. Application #4: You need to know that the hard work put into marriage is what makes you love your spouse more.
   1. All the above about working hard to know one’s spouse and appreciate one’s spouse is not easy.
   2. Even Family worship and spiritual reading with one’s partner is hard work.
   3. But as you serve your partner you will learn to love your spouse. So do it.
5. Application #5: Pray
   1. Prayer is not a panic button for your marriage or a genie in a bottle.
   2. Rather true prayer is communing and enjoying God. You enjoy God so much you tell Him everything: Good things in your life you praise, Him, hard things you ask for help and petition, sinful things in your life you confess to Him, etc.
   3. But why should you pray or commune with God? Consider the cost was Jesus Christ dying so that you can enjoy and glorify God in your life even right now before Heaven!

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