Handling Criticism in Marriage Part 1: Don’t defend yourself too quickly

Handling Criticism in Marriage Part 1: Don’t defend yourself too quickly

Selected Scripture

 

Establish the Need: When your spouse criticize you, how do you respond?  Have you seen anyone who can’t handle criticism well and are too quick to defend themselves?  If so, what does it look like and do you think this trait of an individual help them handle criticism?  How do you think it affects the quality of their marriage and family?  Do you realize you need God’s help so that you don’t defend yourself too quickly when you face criticism?  If so this message is for you!

 

Purpose: In this session we want to consider some commands and perspectives from the Bible so that you won’t defend yourself too quickly in order to help us handle criticism biblically in our marriage.

• You need to know God’s Commands that require you not to defend yourself too quickly
• You need to have biblical perspectives to motivate yourself not to defend yourself too quickly

 

1. You need to know God’s Commands that require you not to defend yourself too quickly

1. Command #1: God command we are to be quick to hear: “This you know, my beloved brethren. But everyone must be quick to hear…” (James 1:19)
   1. Sometimes when we are quick to defend ourselves it is because we don’t like to listen to others.
   2. But here God makes it clear we are to listen.
   3. We not only are to listen but are to be quick about it: not reluctantly but eagerly!
2. Command #2: God command we are to be slow to speak: “slow to speak…” (James 1:19)
   1. Sometimes when we are quick to defend ourselves it is because we are fast to talk. We might have a tendency to interrupt others or hijack conversations to go our way.
   2. But here God makes it clear we are to be slow to speak.
3. Command #3: God command we are to be slow to anger: “slow to anger” (James 1:19)
   1. Sometimes when we are quick to defend ourselves it is because we are quickly angered.
   2. But here God makes it clear we are to be slow to anger.
4. Practice:
   1. How do you know if you are too quick to defend yourself when faced with criticism? Be honest with yourself:
      1. Are you quick to hear?
      2. Are you slow to speak?
      3. Are you slow to anger?
   2. Which one of these commands are you inclined to disobey that might contribute to you defending yourself too quickly when facing criticism?
   3. Here is now an opportunity to practice handling criticisms biblically in marriage: Ask your spouse the same questions above. Listen to what they say is your problem.
   4. Confess your sins to God and ask Him for grace to put these commands into practice, especially in the area of handling criticisms.
   5. Also consider obeying these commands out of the motivation of loving obedience to Jesus who have shown you so much grace and mercy by dying for your sins!

 

2. You need to have biblical perspectives to motivate yourself not to defend yourself too quickly

1. Perspective #1: Remember you are a sinner
   1. Scripture teaches that we have a sin nature even as believers
      1. “For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh; for the willing is present in me, but the doing of the good is not. 19 For the good that I want, I do not do, but I practice the very evil that I do not want” (Romans 7:18-19)= Here Paul makes it clear that we have a sinful nature even after we become a Christian.
      2. “For I joyfully concur with the law of God in the inner man, 23 but I see a different law in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner [q]of the law of sin which is in my members.” (Romans 7:22-23)= Again Paul makes it clear that we have a sinful nature even after we become a Christian.
   2. Preacher Joel Beeke makes the point that we make so many decisions we WOULD sin and make mistakes. And of course some of those sins would be noticed by others and brought to our attention, whether by our spouse or others.
   3. So then let us be not defend ourselves too quickly when we face criticism.
2. Perspective #2: Our sinful heart is deceptive
   1. The Bible is clear that our hearts are deceitful: “The heart is more deceitful than all else And is desperately sick; Who can understand it?” (Jeremiah 17:9)
   2. Since we have this deep-seated moral “blindspot,” we ought to be careful not to be too quick to defend ourselves.
3. Perspective #3: It is wise to consider reproof: “He whose ear listens to the life-giving reproof Will dwell among the wise.” (Proverbs 15:31)
4. Perspective #4: Consider the source of the criticism
   1. If you have a hard time not to quickly defend yourself then ask yourself this question: Who is giving you the criticism? Your spouse who very likely loves you!
   2. Remember your spouse is a gift from the Lord: “He who finds a wife finds a good thing And obtains favor from the LORD.” (Proverbs 18:22)
   3. Have you dwelled on the truth that the one giving you criticism is someone God has given to you and who have the intention of meaning well for you? Take the criticism seriously!
5. Perspective #5: There’s value of criticism from a friend: “Faithful are the wounds of a friend, But deceitful are the kisses of an enemy.” (Proverbs 27:6)
   1. From reason 5 onwards we consider perspective of being slow to respond to criticism in light of it being painful.
   2. Your spouse would know more about you than any ordinary friend; consider even more the value of rightful criticism about your faults, even if it hurts!
6. Perspective #6: Anger does not achieve the righteousness of God: “for the anger of man does not achieve the righteousness of God.” (James 1:20)
   1. Sometimes when people react negatively to criticism they get angry.
   2. Yet consider this truth that the anger of man doesn’t achieve much righteousness typically.
7. Perspective #7: Reacting angrily is foolish: “A fool always loses his temper, But a wise man holds it back.” (Proverbs 29:11)
   1. It is foolishness to lose one’s temper.
   2. Notice one who is wise holds back anger.
8. Perspective #8: Be careful of attacking back hypocritically
   1. “Do not judge so that you will not be judged. 2 For in the way you judge, you will be judged; and by your standard of measure, it will be measured to you. 3 Why do you look at the speck that is in your brother’s eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? 4 Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ and behold, the log is in your own eye? 5 You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother’s eye” (Matthew 7:1-5)
      1. This is Jesus’ words.
      2. Notice Jesus said we should not be like the person who complain about the speck of someone’s eye when we have a log in verses 3-4.
      3. Notice Jesus taught the importance of removing one’s own sins before pointing out the sins of others in verse 5.
   2. Paul also talked about this: “Therefore you have no excuse, everyone of you who passes judgment, for in that which you judge another, you condemn yourself; for you who judge practice the same things.” (Romans 2:1)
9. Perspective #9: Having a bad reaction to criticisms only generate more criticisms
   1. Now the criticism is about the reactions.
   2. It thus perpetuate a cycle.
10. Perspective #10: Why not be wrong? ” Why not rather be wronged? Why not rather be defrauded?” (1 Corinthians 6:7b)
    1. 1. Sometimes when we are quick to respond to criticism it is because we felt the criticism is incorrect or unfair. We feel wronged by the other person.
       2. Yet why not be wronged?
       3. Only way we can endure being wronged and not have it result in a “blow up” is looking towards Christ: He who was silent to the Cross in the greatest injustice, being totally innocent yet being crucified.
       4. He was crucified to save sinners! Are you saved?  He saved and died for you!
       5. Let that move you to obedience!
11. Practice:
    1. Review these perspectives. Review them regularly.
    2. Also have a spirit of being willing to accept responsibility. This outlook would change the way you handle criticism and also life!