Handling Criticism in Marriage Part 1: Don’t defend yourself too quickly
Selected Scripture
Establish the Need: When your spouse criticize you, how do you respond? Have you seen anyone who can’t handle criticism well and are too quick to defend themselves? If so, what does it look like and do you think this trait of an individual help them handle criticism? How do you think it affects the quality of their marriage and family? Do you realize you need God’s help so that you don’t defend yourself too quickly when you face criticism? If so this message is for you!
Purpose: In this session we want to consider some commands and perspectives from the Bible so that you won’t defend yourself too quickly in order to help us handle criticism biblically in our marriage.
- You need to know God’s Commands that require you not to defend yourself too quickly
- You need to have biblical perspectives to motivate yourself not to defend yourself too quickly
1. You need to know God’s Commands that require you not to defend yourself too quickly
- Command #1: God command we are to be quick to hear: “This you know, my beloved brethren. But everyone must be quick to hear…” (James 1:19)
- Sometimes when we are quick to defend ourselves it is because we don’t like to listen to others.
- But here God makes it clear we are to listen.
- We not only are to listen but are to be quick about it: not reluctantly but eagerly!
- Command #2: God command we are to be slow to speak: “slow to speak…” (James 1:19)
- Sometimes when we are quick to defend ourselves it is because we are fast to talk. We might have a tendency to interrupt others or hijack conversations to go our way.
- But here God makes it clear we are to be slow to speak.
- Command #3: God command we are to be slow to anger: “slow to anger” (James 1:19)
- Sometimes when we are quick to defend ourselves it is because we are quickly angered.
- But here God makes it clear we are to be slow to anger.
- Practice:
- How do you know if you are too quick to defend yourself when faced with criticism? Be honest with yourself:
- Are you quick to hear?
- Are you slow to speak?
- Are you slow to anger?
- Which one of these commands are you inclined to disobey that might contribute to you defending yourself too quickly when facing criticism?
- Here is now an opportunity to practice handling criticisms biblically in marriage: Ask your spouse the same questions above. Listen to what they say is your problem.
- Confess your sins to God and ask Him for grace to put these commands into practice, especially in the area of handling criticisms.
- Also consider obeying these commands out of the motivation of loving obedience to Jesus who have shown you so much grace and mercy by dying for your sins!
- How do you know if you are too quick to defend yourself when faced with criticism? Be honest with yourself:
2. You need to have biblical perspectives to motivate yourself not to defend yourself too quickly
- Perspective #1: Remember you are a sinner
- Scripture teaches that we have a sin nature even as believers
- “For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh; for the willing is present in me, but the doing of the good is not. 19 For the good that I want, I do not do, but I practice the very evil that I do not want” (Romans 7:18-19)= Here Paul makes it clear that we have a sinful nature even after we become a Christian.
- “For I joyfully concur with the law of God in the inner man, 23 but I see a different law in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner [q]of the law of sin which is in my members.” (Romans 7:22-23)= Again Paul makes it clear that we have a sinful nature even after we become a Christian.
- Preacher Joel Beeke makes the point that we make so many decisions we WOULD sin and make mistakes. And of course some of those sins would be noticed by others and brought to our attention, whether by our spouse or others.
- So then let us be not defend ourselves too quickly when we face criticism.
- Scripture teaches that we have a sin nature even as believers
- Perspective #2: Our sinful heart is deceptive
- The Bible is clear that our hearts are deceitful: “The heart is more deceitful than all else And is desperately sick; Who can understand it?” (Jeremiah 17:9)
- Since we have this deep-seated moral “blindspot,” we ought to be careful not to be too quick to defend ourselves.
- Perspective #3: It is wise to consider reproof: “He whose ear listens to the life-giving reproof Will dwell among the wise.” (Proverbs 15:31)
- Perspective #4: Consider the source of the criticism
- If you have a hard time not to quickly defend yourself then ask yourself this question: Who is giving you the criticism? Your spouse who very likely loves you!
- Remember your spouse is a gift from the Lord: “He who finds a wife finds a good thing And obtains favor from the LORD.” (Proverbs 18:22)
- Have you dwelled on the truth that the one giving you criticism is someone God has given to you and who have the intention of meaning well for you? Take the criticism seriously!
- Perspective #5: There’s value of criticism from a friend: “Faithful are the wounds of a friend, But deceitful are the kisses of an enemy.” (Proverbs 27:6)
- From reason 5 onwards we consider perspective of being slow to respond to criticism in light of it being painful.
- Your spouse would know more about you than any ordinary friend; consider even more the value of rightful criticism about your faults, even if it hurts!
- Perspective #6: Anger does not achieve the righteousness of God: “for the anger of man does not achieve the righteousness of God.” (James 1:20)
- Sometimes when people react negatively to criticism they get angry.
- Yet consider this truth that the anger of man doesn’t achieve much righteousness typically.
- Perspective #7: Reacting angrily is foolish: “A fool always loses his temper, But a wise man holds it back.” (Proverbs 29:11)
- It is foolishness to lose one’s temper.
- Notice one who is wise holds back anger.
- Perspective #8: Be careful of attacking back hypocritically
- “Do not judge so that you will not be judged. 2 For in the way you judge, you will be judged; and by your standard of measure, it will be measured to you. 3 Why do you look at the speck that is in your brother’s eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? 4 Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ and behold, the log is in your own eye? 5 You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother’s eye” (Matthew 7:1-5)
- This is Jesus’ words.
- Notice Jesus said we should not be like the person who complain about the speck of someone’s eye when we have a log in verses 3-4.
- Notice Jesus taught the importance of removing one’s own sins before pointing out the sins of others in verse 5.
- Paul also talked about this: “Therefore you have no excuse, everyone of you who passes judgment, for in that which you judge another, you condemn yourself; for you who judge practice the same things.” (Romans 2:1)
- “Do not judge so that you will not be judged. 2 For in the way you judge, you will be judged; and by your standard of measure, it will be measured to you. 3 Why do you look at the speck that is in your brother’s eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? 4 Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ and behold, the log is in your own eye? 5 You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother’s eye” (Matthew 7:1-5)
- Perspective #9: Having a bad reaction to criticisms only generate more criticisms
- Now the criticism is about the reactions.
- It thus perpetuate a cycle.
- Perspective #10: Why not be wrong? ” Why not rather be wronged? Why not rather be defrauded?” (1 Corinthians 6:7b)
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- Sometimes when we are quick to respond to criticism it is because we felt the criticism is incorrect or unfair. We feel wronged by the other person.
- Yet why not be wronged?
- Only way we can endure being wronged and not have it result in a “blow up” is looking towards Christ: He who was silent to the Cross in the greatest injustice, being totally innocent yet being crucified.
- He was crucified to save sinners! Are you saved? He saved and died for you!
- Let that move you to obedience!
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- Practice:
- Review these perspectives. Review them regularly.
- Also have a spirit of being willing to accept responsibility. This outlook would change the way you handle criticism and also life!
I have needed this post for the past 2 weeks! I can be VERY defensive and I find it necessary to justify my thoughts/actions. I have been journaling your questions to James 1:19. I am most certainly quick to listen, the problem with that can be, I am hearing the tone of voice more than I am hearing the words being said. And from there I become VERY quick to speak and anger. 22 years in the US Army prepared Nathan to deal with me! I am definitely printing this resource to put into practice. I know that when I get angry and quick to speak that I am acting like a fool. It amazes me how strong my pride can be when I perceive myself as being attacked. I would rather act a fool and defend myself, rather than be wise and hear what is being said. The life verse of our relationship and marriage is “love prospers when a fault is forgiven, but dwelling on it separates close friends” (Prov 17:9 NLT). I am so thankful for this post and for pointing me to JOY (Jesus Others Yourself) which is where my focus belongs! Blessings, Mandy
Wow your husband was 22 years in the Army? What was his job in the Army? Being a former Marine myself I remember coming back from Iraq my sisters said I was very angry in my tone when I talked and I genuinely didn’t noticed. I think being out of uniform and growing as a believer helped for my sanctification. I’m encouraged to hear you printed this out!
Nathan was a company First Sergeant (1SG). As such, there are times when I have to remind (tell) him I am not his soldier. His tone can come across as an angry dictator and when I point that out to him, he doesn’t even realize it! How long have you been out of the Marines if I may ask?
Thanks for these excellent points, brother! I’m going to print this post for regular future reference. I find that I often react in anger. But there’s also a flip-side to this which I’m guessing you’ll be addressing in a future post. Some spouses get caught up in the habit of communicating in a negative/critical manner to their partner. Both spouses should work on building the other partner up rather than communicating in a critical style. Of course, the critical partner would (and does) object that they are merely “communicating” honestly and can’t understand why in the world their spouse is reacting so strongly. I’m probably describing a pattern that’s quite common in marriages. Both spouses have to break this cycle.
Wow you’re the second person today saying they will print this out. Yes there’s a flip side to this. How we talk is important; we can minimize antagonizing our spouse! But before I get there I still have two more posts on handling criticism biblically! I see God stretching me and sanctifying me over the last two years before I can teach on this subject. Is it still San Diego weather with few coworkers today for you?
RE: I still have two more posts on handling criticism biblically!
I can use them!
Yeah, San Diego weather today. 83 & sunny. Worked half-day in the morning from home and then one of my sisters dropped by for a visit. Busy day. R&R pretty soon. How’s your day going?
Wow! Now this is very powerful. Thanks.
This is great. I’m going to send it over to my wife asap!
haha, jk
Helpful for me too! 🙂
After 31 years of marriage, I have learned the key to every situation. Just say, “Yes dear.”
He who has an ear, let him say to his wife “Yes dear…” And all of God’s men including Patrick say “Amen”?
lol….yep!
Thank you for this, Jim! Everyone needs to know how to handle criticism properly as well as the art of constructive criticism.
Amen. TY
Thanks Bonnie; I know I need His grace to handle criticism biblically both at home and also in ministry. Grateful for also God using criticisms to make me grow in Christ! God is good Amen?
Amen. For sure.:)
This was pretty cool, Slim! If you look at our country, our pop culture, defensiveness and taking offense is kind of at an epidemic level.
My hubby can have a critical spirit sometimes and I’ve really had to learn how to detach and try not take it personally. What really helps is knowing it’s not my job to fix it, that the Lord will handle it for me. And He really does! Criticism is not always all about you, sometimes it is just fear, or projection. To try to meet criticism with grace can be tough sometimes, but I really think that what Jesus wants us to do.
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[…] Last session we saw that according to the Bible you shouldn’t defend yourself too quickly in order to help us […]
Awesome thanks for the link to part 2
[…] Review: Last session we saw that according to the Bible you shouldn’t defend yourself too quickly in order to help us handle criticism biblically in our marriage. This session we will consider what our goal should be when we hear criticism about us. […]
[…] Handling Criticism in Marriage Part 1: Don’t defend yourself too quickly […]
This is a must read. I have learnt a lot from it and I’ll be putting these tips into practice from now on especially in my marriage. General I get defensive when I feel the individual is always criticising what I do. I tend to endure and bear a lot but when i’ve had enough, that is it lol😂. I’m learning to offer the grace I receive daily from Christ to others. God bless you for this post. I will be reading the others after work.
Wow that’s so encouraging! I prayed God’s Word will minister to you as you read the other post Efua. By the way your post on Leah a few months ago was helpful for me, do you remember that? That led me to study deeper on that topic and I’ll be posting on that next week
Great to know. Looking forward to reading it😊
This is a beautiful advice! I’m learning to try to do this. Jesus restores us at Calvary. See one another that way.
I just started a relationship and need this now before marriage.