Someone asked online in an apologetics forum a question of what to do when a former friend who is not a Christian reached out to him going through a serious crisis. I won’t go over the details but the Christian asked “How do I minister to him? I have grown deeply in the two years we haven’t talked…”
Below is my thoughts which is an edit and additions made to my original response to the individual. I’m reproducing it since some have said it was helpful.
- If he’s coming to you, and you’ve made it clear you’re a Christian and you be willing to fight him over the Gospel, then praise God. This is a God-given opportunity.
- I think with what he is going through no doubt it be painful. Personally I think its worth listening to him when he talks about his pain and his story. But with the things of God of course you would be sharing. You don’t need to have all the answers with his story; nor do you have to believe everything he is going through (there’s always two side to the story) but listening goes a long way.
- In conversing about his situation I think its good to ask questions. That way when you do preach the Gospel and talk about God as statements of fact it stands out. It also stands out you are speaking about conviction when its about his relations with being right with God, and you don’t look like you are the ones who just like pontificating about opinions of everything.
- There’s time if you don’t know what to say or its too complicated its ok to tell him that.
- Pray for him. Pray in private, pray over the phone, pray after conversations with him and pray if you can even when you meet up, if you do meet up.
- If he has kids and you guys live near by I think there’s a place to also offer to minister to his kids through resources from you church. That would also go a long way and in these situations when family is affected I think being aware of their kids also mean a lot.
- Ask if he has a physical Bible. Sometimes a nonbeliever will say no but its ok they have a phone and laptop. Still I think its good to get him as a gift a Bible. It will mean so much more with everything going on when he gets this gift then say two years ago. If he ask you where to begin to read with his situation I would encourage him to read the Psalms, Proverbs and the Gospels. The Gospel to see the self-attesting witness of Jesus as the Messiah, Psalms for him crying out to God and Proverbs with practical wisdom that sometimes can also convict him of his sins and also situations and scenarios that he see described in Proverbs that is true of what’s going on in his life.
- Stick with the Gospel. The Christian worldview discipleship will follow after he gets saved and it will require growth dealing with issues such as his far left politics, maybe his view of marriage and family, etc., and that flows from him having a regenerate mind and heart. But first he needs the Gospel.
- I also think sometimes having short Gospel driven biblical counseling booklets to give to someone in crisis is also a great evangelistic opportunity. I recommend Help! I Can’t Handle All These Trials in general for all problems but also for some of the specifics I recommend Help! My Marriage Has Grown Cold by Rick Thomas and Help! I’m in a Painful Marriage for his particular trials.
- Also read biblical counseling resources yourself too, to be equipped to help your friend. I think there’s two areas every Christians should read up on ahead of time that can pay great dividend in life in helping others in these kinds of situation. Read something to be prepared to help someone who is suicidal. One of the most helpful work on suicide I recommend is Help! My Friend is Suicidal. The second area is on spousal abuse. Check out Domestic Abuse: Recognize, Respond, Rescue for starters for yourself and Domestic Abuse: Help for the Sufferer as a resource for the abused spouse.
The Domain for Truth 
Thanks for the great wisdom and insight. Very helpful.
Blessings.
[…] Help: Secular friend I have not talked to in years reached out to me with a marriage crisis […]
Thank you for these guidelines, Jim! I will use this set of points whenever the opportunity arises. These are all equally important but point numbers 4 and 7 stands out for me. This is indeed a wise counsel! Blessings to you, Nancy, and the kids!
Thanks for noting point 4 and point 7. This is a cultural question I have that is based upon an observation I had one time preaching at a Filipino American church: do you personally put ketchup on your fried chicken?
Actually, it has been a long time since I put one. In most cases, the fried chicked has been marinated with seasoning so there is no need but in other times, a soy sauce with squeezed chili is enough.
Thanks for putting together this post of good Biblical counsel and advice for helping unbelieving friends (and relatives) who are going through a marriage crisis. I have heard divorce lawyers are doing extremely well during this pandemic. The extra stresses are exacerbating already existing problems within marriages. When these hurting souls reach out, it’s an excellent opportunity to share the Gospel.
Amen to what you said especially this: “ When these hurting souls reach out, it’s an excellent opportunity to share the Gospel.” I think of also the fact that some in marriage problems can have an unhealthy and toxic drain towards those that are trying to help them as in certain situations you faced and I think in such case point 4,5 and 9 might be more important! When do you start up work again?
I didn’t know if you remembered my friend. Thanks. I could write a lot more, but no need. He’s in a deep depression. Self-perpetuating. Constantly looking for an audience to listen to his troubles.
Work begins this coming Monday, thanks! I’m excited!
How is your day shaping up?
Much wisdom here. I appreciate #3. Asking questions is the way you show you are really listening. I have on occasion been pouring out my heart, then wondered if I am talking too much. (This is a concern of mine – please don’t ask me why…
) But if the other person asks me and open-ended question (not just a “yes” or “no” question), that shows me I am not just being annoying, and that they genuinely care about what I’m saying – and about me.
I have this thing where I can talk too much in trying to help too! Something about being a preacher or something like that lol. So I have to really try to work hard to ask questions and open ended ones. Much grace is needed! Isn’t it amazing sometimes when helping someone you find first your own inadequacy and need for God’s grace first before helping someone? (I said you but I meant rhetorically since it also included me!). It often is a reminder that God is working in us as well as ones we are ministering to amen??
Amen! We’re never finished learning. 😉
Listening is so important glad you talked about that right away.
Thanks for sharing the wisdom God has given you and materials that impact for Christ and benefit us all! 🙌
Since I’d traveled this road before, I can recommend a ‘Divorce Care’ class, which many churches offer. It may not be as available, though, due to this ‘time of virus’ (Chip Ingram’s phraseology, which I like due to its neutral tone).
Thanks Craig. Have you blogged about this subject matter? (Feel free to drop links to your blog!)
No, I’ve not blogged about it.
Very good. Thank you.
Will you PLEASE be my guest writer sometime? If you have the time I would be honored. what I need is your email address you signed up to wordpress that you can send me via email or here. PLEASE try and let me know. Thank you either way, hug, Pat child of God and sister.
Pat I would be delighted to try to squeeze in some time to write a guest post for you! Let me know when you get my email yeah? I might take some time to write guest posts, believe it or not I take a long time to write things…is that ok? Thank you also for your many comments on my blog just right now!
thank you sweetie, be allow me to say that I do to my friends and also stranger. I love the word sweetie it reminds me that we are children f God, beloved by HIM. Take your time I see how busy you are. Please just send me that email and I will send you an invitation. You will e free to write what you want I will never change a word of anyone that writes for me. Thank you sincerely.
Reblogged this on From The Darkness Into The Light and commented:
very good site! Please visit and follow. Very interesting.
I put a sticky on it until tomorrow so when Ipost yours will show first.
Thank you so much for doing that Pat! I appreciate that very much!
my pleasure
Lots of wisdom in these guidelines pastor Jim. I am saving it for future reference.
Thanks and I’m encouraged to hear that. Prayed for your prayer request by the way Crissy! Have a blessed day today sister!
Awwww thank you so much,
Great advice, my friend!
[…] 4.) Help: Secular friend I have not talked to in years reached out to me with a marriage crisis […]
Quite practical
Are you suspicious?
Are you suspicious your partner is cheating or not?