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Archive for the ‘Courtship’ Category

Have you heard of the saying “absence makes the heart grow fonder?”

For the Christian a related corollary would be “Pre-Marital Abstinence Makes Married Heart Grow Stronger.”

Christians who are in courtship: I want to encourage you to continue pursuing godliness even as you battle temptation.

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There’s a teaching series on a biblical view of singleness, courtship and marriage I thought I share from Sermon Audio.  I’ve given link to download the MP3 and PDF.  It seems like something that will bless God’s people with its use of Scripture, nuance and application.

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This is a light heart post.

I’ve been thinking about relationship and courtship recently given my upcoming trip would include teaching about the biblical view of courtship but I’ll be doing this in a culture where match making and arrange marriage is not unusual.

For the longest time I thought I was a matchmaker.  But recently I discovered I wasn’t a matchmaker.  Not by the standard in other countries where Pastors and parents really are match maker.  I soon discovered I was more of what some people call a “Wingman.”

I just learned this term last month: Wingman.

What is a wingman?

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Rude-Wedding-Inspiration

Introduction:  What are the role of Fathers in courtship? So I officiated my first wedding yesterday!  This last week I watched so many weddings on Youtube.  As I was on Youtube I somehow started analyzing closer a popular music video titled “Rude” by Magic.

You can see the video below:

Background of the Song:

The song was released in October 12th, 2013 in Canada and became an international phenomenon even a year later.   There are now over 120 million viewers since December 2013 (I last checked on September 13th).

The story of the song is sung by the leader of the band Nasri about how he asked his girlfriend’s father for her hand in marriage but the father disapproves but he is going to marry her anyway.

The song’s most catchy and famous lyrics are the following lines:

Why you gotta be so rude?
Don’t you know I’m human too?
Why you gotta be so rude?
I’m gonna marry her anyway

Apparently it provoked a very strong response and debate about the role of fathers, daughters and a daughter’s boyfriend.

There is a response called “The Dad’s Side of the Story” by Benji and Jenna Cowart who are Christians.

The lyrics are funny:

you say you want my daughter for the rest of your life
well you gotta make more than burgers and fries
get out your mommas basement boy and get you a life
son your twenty eight
don’t you think it’s time

why you gotta call me rude
for doing what a dad should do
and keep her from a fool like you
and if if you marry her anyway

And what I think was the funniest lyric in the song:

I may be a christian
but I’ll go to prison
I’m not afraid of doin hard time

This prompted other versions and this was what I found:

– Daughter side of the story

– Mother side of the story

-Christian Mom side of the story

– Big Brother side of the story

– Sister side of the story

In all this, we must ask: what is God’s side of the story? We should consider God’s side of the story in light of Proverbs 1:7= “The fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge; Fools despise wisdom and instruction.”

Note we must fear God and obey His ways; but not the opposite is that when we don’t consider God’s wisdom and instruction we are called fools.

If I may have a little fun, an alternative title to today’s post it would be “Why you got to be a fool? Turn with me to Exodus 22…”

  1. Fathers also have the role of protecting their daughter’s purity in regards to relationship and sexual manners: “If a man seduces a virgin who is not engaged, and lies with her, he must pay a dowry for herto be his wife. 17 If her father absolutely refuses to give her to him, he shall [a]pay money equal to the dowry for virgins.” (Exodus 22:16-17)
    1. Note there is a penalty for the seduction.
    2. “The man who seduces the virgin must answer to her father.”[1]
    3. The father has the right to refuse her daughter marrying the man (v.17)
    4. He still pays the fine even if the father refuse for them to marry.
  1. Application
    1. Parents:
      1. With daughters…
        1. Are you guys raising your daughters with the intention of preparing them for marriage?
        2. Fathers are you actively involved in being diligent with protecting your daughter’s purity?
        3. Do you talk about values, relationship, courtship and boys?
        4. Have you taught your daughter to introduce any boy interested in her to the parents as soon as possible?
      2. With sons…
        1. Are you guys raising your sons with the intention of preparing them for marriage?
        2. Do you talk about values, relationship, courtship and girls?
        3. Have you taught your son to talk to the parents of someone they want to pursue courtship with?
        4. Have you taught your son to respect the girl’s father by consulting him before the relationship?

Conclusion

I began this post with some humor.  But in conclusion I want to make my point that this is no laughing matter.

It would be a cute funny little song but there’s a darker turn in the original story of the song; according to Wikipedia and substantiated in an interview with Zach Sang that it was:

originally based on a real-life situation. The lead singer of Magic!, Nasri, had been in an unhealthy relationship with a previous girlfriend. One day after an argument erupted and she became harsh, Nasri began singing the lines “Why you gotta be so rude/ don’t you know I’m human too” in what he describes as a “dark vibe.” However, the concept did not work with the band well so it was revised and eventually changed so that Nasri was still dating her, and was asking her father if he could propose to her”[1]

If one watches the Youtube interview Nasri emphasize more than once that their music is authentically who they are and are real.  I can’t help but to wonder if there is any relationship between Nasri’s troubled relationship with his view of “old fashion fathers.”  If someone cannot respect authority that is always a dangerous sign; you don’t want to be under that person as it can get tyrannical and dark.  God’s way is still the best.

[1] Voddie Bauchman Jr., What He Must be…if He wants to Marry my Daughter (Wheaton: Crossway 2009), 56.

[1] http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rude_(song); see also the video at https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-6xgeadEtMQ

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What He Must Be If He Wants to Marry My Daughter Bauchman

To purchase the book on Amazon, Click HERE

Among the many Christian books on family, courtship and fatherhood that I have read, I think this book has become one of my top five.  While the book was intended to address fathers to encourage them to think biblically of what to look for in a man who wants to marry their daughter, nevertheless I think others can benefit from reading this book too such as single mothers evaluating those interested in their daughters, or the young man who want to become a godly husband in the future.  A young woman who wants to understand her father’s responsibility in the area of courtship and Pastors who wishes to teach a biblical view of courtship to their church will also benefit from reading this work.

The author Voddie Bauchman is a big advocate of a biblical view of family and has previously authored Family Driven Faith.  I find the emphasis in the book on the role of parents and especially that of fathers in the courtship of young Christian couples to be refreshing since it seems as if many contemporary Christian books on courtship hasn’t explain as clearly as this one did of the role of fathers in their child’s courtship.  Bauchman packs many practical advice and exhortation in this book that is biblical and wise.  As a father of two young daughters both of whom are under three years old at the of this review, this book made me realized that I can’t be too early in thinking about and preparing my daughter for marriage (let me add the caveat that preparing and training them for marriage now doesn’t mean I’m gong to have them marry at this moment!  I do think we must do so in a way that is age appropriate).  I appreciate the opening chapter on the multigenerational vision in the Bible that goes beyond the topic of courtship and about the family, church and society.  Bauchman uses his own background of broken family in the book to point to us the importance of doing family God’s way rather than what our society says.  I also appreciated how the author skillfully went through some of the passages from the Bible that I have not thought of in connection to fathers and daughter’s relationship and the broader topic of courtship—he even navigated exceptionally well through Old Testament passages in which he acknowledges the original recipients were Jews while maintaining that there are some wise principles to gain from looking at them even when the civil force of these laws are currently not enforced.  I also appreciate how Bauchman is realistic to realize the pool of godly candidates to marry our daughters are probably small and in chapter ten he gives us instruction of how, by the grace of God, we can go “build” godly men ourselves in the local church.  Here we see the importance of making disciples of younger men by older men does have some earthly blessing.

I won’t want to give away the whole book in this review.  Looking at my book and seeing all the highlights reminds me there is many things I could have talked about.  Go and get this book.

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With One voice alex chediak Why is a blog on Christian worldview, theology and apologetics reviewing this book?  I believe the Christian worldview is not just an academic exercise–a robust Christian worldview must address the topic of what a biblical marriage and relationship look like since the Christian worldview concerning marriage and relationship is more than just demonstrating why homosexuality is wrong, etc.  In this day and age of broken families and sexual immorality among young people that is affecting the very fabric of Western civilization, we need to understand courtship (which for the believer is for the goal of marriage) and marriage God’s Way.

Review

I’m reading this as a Pastor who is thinking about the topic of relationships for those in my congregation that are single and who desire to be married some day. There’s been quite a bit of Christian books published on the topic of courtship and marriage but what I was looking for that I found in this particular book is that it addresses singles and their preparation before being in a relationship. In my church’s teaching series on relationship I am convinced that it’s healthy to begin teaching about singleness first before talking about relationship and I appreciate this book’s approach that keeps its singles readers in mind. The book is a fast read and yet is filled with biblical content. It’s not merely regurgitation of facts but helpful in applying biblical principles. The first chapter in the book begins by surveying the development of what relationships look like over the ages and how we got to our chaotic dating/courtship scene today. The author makes it very clear that he’s not trying to bring back old school conventions on relationship just merely for old times sake. While acknowledging different cultural situations and expectation nevertheless the author’s main focus is on being biblical, and thus pleasing God through our relationship. I was quite spiritually edified reading this book as a Pastor and it will definitely edify readers who desire to be godly in their perspective and practice of courtship. This work has a very simple and easy to understand chapter on what is biblical masculinity and femininity and it’s not just the echoing of unhelpful cultural sterotypes of gender expectation since again the author’s aim is to be biblical. There were things I’ve never thought about before until I read this book: For instance, the book made a point that the older singles get, the standard for a suitable mate actually increases. This seems counter-intuitive but as the author explained, with more relationship in one’s history there is more expectation with thought such as “I wish this person would be more like someone else I know who was strong in a particular trait,” etc. I recommend this book.

Purchase: Amazon

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Her Hands in Marriage Doug Wilson

Once again Doug Wilson hits a home run with this book. Here is a work that addresses Biblical courtship in the Modern world. The book is filled with Wilson’s insight from Scripture, practical wisdom and instructional humor, and applicable for all who read this whether you are the guy, the girl or the parents involved with Christian courtship. I appreciated Wilson pointing out that courtship takes place with the authority of the daughter’s parents which is the subject of the first chapter. As I have a young daughter at this time, it’s a sobering admonition for my wife and I to consider in our daughter’s future. Here in chapter one Wilson brings some relevant Biblical passages including those from the Old Testament that I’ve never thought about it before. Chapter one alone is worth the price of the book. In the second chapter Wilson addresses the topic of preparing sons for courtship in which the big points I took away from it was to prepare sons by modeling it in the family by the father, teaching on sexual purity and being a gentleman. A plus for his insight on young men and the issue of self-control. The third chapter then focus on preparing daughters for courtship including the discussion of modesty, biblical femininity and parental protection. This is followed by two other chapters on courtship itself and a beautiful allegorical story as an appendix that hallmarks Wilson’s desire to communicate Christian truth through great literature and other literary forms. There is too many good things I’ve learned from this book to share in this review (I’ve read this work together a devotional with my wife and we highlighted so many parts of the book) but he takes the topic of courtship beyond just the guy asking the father’s permission to court his daughter. If more Christians were to read and apply this book, we would see a dramatic turn for the better of Christians and sanctification when it comes to the family and purity rather than the current recreational dating patterned after the World. Excellent work, I highly recommend it and give a five star. It’s a work I plan to re-read in the future or at least thumb through the highlighted portion.

Get this on Amazon!

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